Almost everybody is guilty of posting a selfie at some point in their life. One selfie – no biggie, I can put up with that. Two selfies – not my forte, but everybody needs a new profile picture now and then. A selfie every damn time you get ready to go out – that’s where I draw the line! Sure, you may look good, but then take a picture while you’re out having fun. I don’t want to see the inside of you nasty bathroom with you looking in the mirror. Nobody does. So please just stop.
2. Pictures of Your Dad on Father’s Day/Mom on Mother’s Day
These holidays are special days for people to spend with their parents. Most people have parents that aren’t on Facebook, and for younger people whose parents are on Facebook, most of us avoid friending them. So why does the rest of the world have to see a picture of you with your dad from 10 years ago, saying how he’s the best dad in the world? We don’t. If everybody on my news feed that claimed to have the best dad or the greatest mom was right, there would be no exclusivity to that claim. Your parents aren’t the best. Get over it.
3. Invites to Events Nobody Cares About
“Come join the sisters of Phi Alpha Tau (FAT – haha) for our lollipop parade to prevent puppies from being too big to fit in our purses!” Okay, so that might be a little bit of a stretch, but any college student has seen these annoying updates from sorority girls, trying to get you to come to some stupid event for some stupid cause that they don’t actually donate the money to anyway. Maybe if I happened to walk past your fundraiser on campus I would consider participating, but by annoying me on my time, I’m definitely not going to help you. Go away!
People who spoil hit TV shows or movies online should be put to death! This may seem extreme, but it is the worst of all offenses. I’ve had episodes of both Dexter and Breaking Bad completely ruined for me by some selfish prick who was so shocked by what happened that they had to ruin it for the millions of people who missed the episode because they were working or doing something productive for the world. Everybody who saw the episode already knows what happened; they don’t need you to tell them! All you’re doing is pissing off the rest of us who haven’t seen the episode yet, so please refrain from doing this in the future.
5. Pictures of You in the Gym
This one really just annoys the shit out of me. If you are in the gym, why the hell are you on your phone? You’re supposed to go to the gym to work out and get in shape, not to socialize with the digital world. I don’t care that you think you’ve lost two pounds, and neither does anybody else. You want to upload a before-and-after shot once you’ve lost 100 pounds? Fine, but don’t make me look at a picture of you every day laying on the leg press or holding a 10 pound dumbbell. If you spent half as much time working out as you did talking about it, you might not need to post pictures of your progress at all.
6. Anger Directed Toward your Boyfriend or Girlfriend
If you and your significant other are having differences, I’m really sorry for you, but I don’t need to hear about it. Posting something like “You’ll regret what you did. You won’t find someone else like me!” doesn’t make you look cool – it makes you look stupid. If you have something to say to your lover, say it to their face or keep it between the two of you. Nobody else needs to know what problems the two of you are having and I certainly don’t need your depressing status on my news feed, raining negativity all over my happy life.
7. Baby Pictures as Your Profile Picture
Some people may argue about this one, but those people are dumb. I’m sure you were a very cute baby, but if I’m trying to find you online, I need to see a current picture, not your little alien-looking self. Put the picture in its own album, or post it once and let it be. Making it your profile picture so everybody can tell you how cute you were is a cry for attention that nobody wants to answer. If you’re not cute anymore, I understand you trying to get your image up, but try working on your current image rather than basking in what you looked like 20 years ago.
8. Pictures of Food
I have to admit, I am guilty of this one. I’ve posted pictures of nice dinners I’ve made or meals prepared by my girlfriend. However, you have to remember that there are thousands of hungry people whose news feed your delicious meal is going to pop up on, and as they sit there eating their Ramen noodles they are going to feel awful about themselves. Showing off the fancy food your family can afford to eat is snobby and makes the rest of us jealous. Unless you have some social media agency posting pictures from your restaurant, only post pictures of food if you plan on sharing!
If you do any of these things, please, for the sake of the rest of the world, STOP!